


A Good Day

by ChillieBean



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Breastfeeding, F/M, Happy fic otherwise, Kid Fic, Postpartum Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-11-28 13:56:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18209204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChillieBean/pseuds/ChillieBean
Summary: Liz brings her knees to her chest, resting her head on folded arms, and closes her eyes. "Today will be a good day," she murmurs, repeating it over and over. It's become her mantra, words she tells herself morning after morning, to not let this day be as bad as the ones before them.





	A Good Day

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by Maggie. Continuation of [this](https://archiveofourown.org/comments/212504282) universe.
> 
> I want to stress that this is something that hits close to home for me. This is not angst for the sake of angst. I suffer from postpartum depression and I genuinely don't know if the thoughts and actions presented in this fic are mine alone or if every parent experiences this. I also want to stress that the descriptions of breastfeeding leading up to the feed, during and after are quite detailed. 
> 
> Despite the postpartum depression tag, this is a happy fic.

Liz wakes slowly. Her eyes flutter open and she settles on the mottled light dancing on the ceiling, filtering through the gap in the curtains. 

She feels good. For the first time in months, she feels rested. In fact, she can't remember the last time she  _ wasn't  _ woken by a crying baby—

With a gasp, she sits up in a panic. Amelia's crib is empty, as is Jesse's side of the bed. She reaches over, sliding her hand under the duvet and she can still feel a lingering warmth. Jesse's been up for a little bit already.

“There you go, all better.” Jesse's hushed voice carries from the nursery.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Liz relaxes. She brings her knees to her chest, resting her head on folded arms, and closes her eyes. "Today will be a good day," she murmurs, repeating it over and over. It's become her mantra, words she tells herself morning after morning, to not let this day be as bad as the ones before them. 

Unfortunately, good days are few and far between.

Sighing deeply and opening her eyes, she brushes her fingers on Jesse's pillow. Today's started pretty well if she's honest. Scare aside, she got to sleep in, even if it is only half an hour after Amelia's normal feeding time. 

Now that the shock has worn off though, she feels that familiar numbness; something ever-present since Amelia’s birth. Granted, it’s not as overwhelming as previous days, and she embraces the fact that she was  _ scared _ that something might have happened to Amelia. It means that despite months of feeling like she hasn't bonded, fretting that she'll never  _ ever _ love Amelia, she does have  _ some _ positive feelings for her. 

Maybe this is what love feels like. 

"Today will be different," she whispers as she stands. 

Stretching her arms above her head, she feels an intense pressure in her breasts. If she slept in, that means Amelia missed a nighttime feed. The fact that both are aching means she's likely going to have to express her other one to prevent blockages while her body begins to adjust to the potentially new schedule. 

Kicking into gear before she starts leaking now that she's thinking about milk production, she quickly uses the toilet, washes her hands, then heads to the nursery. 

“You're daddy's little princess, aren't you?” Jesse coos. 

Smiling, Liz rests against the doorframe. Jesse is a natural father—he adapted to the role like he was born for it. He's got so much love to give, and he adores Amelia. 

Liz though, she's still floundering, four and a half months after Amelia was born.

No one told her the harsh reality of having a baby—no one told her just how hard it would be. From the interrupted sleep, the endless crying, witching hour which has eased off but is still present after all this time. 

Second-guessing every single decision is probably the worst, closely followed by researching every possible avenue. Is Amelia crying because it’s colic? Is it just a phase, an impending leap in her development? Is she not getting enough milk? Is she teething?

_ No one _ talks about this stuff. Not her mom, not her friends who have kids of their own. What everyone  _ did _ say, though, was that the second she lays eyes on Amelia, she'll fall in love.

But she  _ didn't _ fall in love. Yes, she loves Amelia and she's a mother to her because she's just a baby, but there is always that numbness, the sinkhole of dread in the pit of her stomach like if anything bad were to happen to Amelia, she wouldn't be distressed. It's an awful mindset to have, the guilt is palpable, but apparently, it's common, a self-protective mode every parent experiences that eventually passes. 

In times of true self-doubt, she asks herself some questions: Can she imagine life without Amelia in it? Of course. Does she  _ want _ to have a life without Amelia? It depends on the time of day. During witching hour, it's something that she's thought of more than once—rocking Amelia back and forth in her pusher over the lip of the rug to get her to sleep in the evenings is taking its toll. Waking up in the middle of the night to feed is taking its toll. She doesn't even know how much sleep she's lost, between the final few weeks of pregnancy and now.  

But through all of that—the pain, the heartache, the whacked up hormones  _ still _ messing with her system, the lack of sleep—she has Jesse.

Jesse is her rock, and she'd be lost without him. 

Jesse gasps softly, enough to break Liz from her thoughts, and he leans in close to Amelia. “I think we woke mommy,” he whispers, rubbing his nose against Amelia's gently. 

“You didn't,” Liz replies, stepping in. She wraps her arm around Jesse's waist, head on his shoulder as she looks down at their little creation who is a dead ringer for her father. “Been awake long?”

“Half an hour maybe?” Jesse pulls Liz in close, cupping her shoulder. “Enough for a little play and a change.”

“She didn't cry.”

“Nope, but she was awake. Just playing with her horsey quietly. I could hear the jingling of the bell in its foot.”

Liz looks up at Jesse, standing on her toes to kiss his cheek. “Thank you,” she whispers. 

“You deserve the sleep in,” he murmurs, lips fluttering against her hairline. 

Liz looks up at him as her eyes well with tears, and he leans down, kissing her gently. She melts into it. When was the last time they kissed? She can’t even remember.

Amelia starts crying, and Liz closes her eyes, pulling away. Maybe later when Amelia is asleep, she can cuddle up next to Jesse and they can reconnect. He's a good kisser and she didn't realise how much she missed it—missed him—until now. 

In the meantime though, she has exactly five seconds before her boobs respond to Amelia's cry and start leaking.

Liz looks at Amelia and smiles. “Someone's hungry,” she murmurs, picking her up and cradling her close to her chest. 

“I'd offer to feed her so you can have a rest but ah…” Jesse smirks, “I don't have the necessary equipment.”

“It's fine, they're on the verge of exploding anyway.” She plants one last kiss on Jesse's cheek before giving Amelia her full attention. “Come on, let's get you some breakfast.”

Jesse kisses the top of Liz's head before leaving the room. Liz carries Amelia to the rocking chair, sitting down and getting comfortable. She lifts her top, opening her bra, and Amelia is  _ very _ hungry, mouth already open and searching for milk. She pulls Amelia in close, Amelia immediately latches on, and Liz breathes a sigh of relief. Amelia's getting better at latching on without trouble or causing pain. 

Massaging her breast first, Liz makes sure there aren't any blockages. The relief is almost instantaneous though, and once her breast starts to soften, she cradles Amelia and gently rocks the chair, watching her.

Amelia's got her eyes open today—she's looking Liz right in the eyes, and a part of her melts. There haven't been many days where she hasn't felt like a literal human cow. Recently, the only time Amelia has wanted her has been for feeding. Jesse's got the magic touch though, the second she's in his arms she stops crying, and she's just so happy, never complaining unless she's hungry.

Feeding her never really bothers her straight out of bed. At the end of a long day spent trying to console a crying baby who only stops when fed, it can feel quite tedious.

But enough of that. Liz promised herself that today would not be like other days, that she would focus on the positives. 

The fact that Amelia didn't wake up crying is a very big positive. 

The fact that Amelia's eyes are open, brown and sparkling and looking right at her is positive.

Smiling softly, Liz looks at Amelia's little hand. Liz traces a finger over Amelia's forearm and onto her palm, and the second contact is made, Amelia grips her finger tight. 

Liz's eyes well with tears again, her heart is full and exploding. She lives in this moment right now, savouring it, remembering it for those truly bad days when she's at the end of her tether. 

It's moments like this that make it all worth it. 

Liz hums a nursery rhyme she can't quite remember the words for but knows the tune from when her mother used to hum it to her. Liz always felt safe in her mother’s arms, she knew that nothing in the world could hurt her with her mother right there.

She might be struggling now, she might not be feeling like she’s bonded to Amelia yet, but she will be the best mother she can be, create a safe space for her daughter and let her know that she will protect her no matter what.

Amelia finishes feeding, and Liz gives her a moment to decide if it's a break or if she's done. Massaging her breast, it definitely feels empty, it’s nothing like the hard, compacted feeling from before. Still, she turns Amelia and offers the other. Amelia turns her head away—she's done. 

Liz covers herself up again before grabbing the bib off the back of the chair and draping it over her shoulder. She picks up Amelia, holding her close and patting her back gently. 

After a moment, Amelia let's out a burp way too big to come from a four-month-old, and Liz lifts her up to look at her, smiling.

“You  _ are  _ your daddy's girl,” she murmurs.

Amelia smiles at her, and Liz smiles wider. Seeing her smile truly is a fantastic thing, especially now that it's a real smile, not a reflexive one. This is absolutely another positive to today, this big, bright gummy smile—

Amelia relaxes and farts. After a moment of intense focus, she smiles again, looking quite proud of the fact that she just filled her diaper. 

“Definitely your daddy's girl,” Liz says, holding her close and kissing her forehead. 

“She burp again?” Jesse asks, stepping into the nursery.

“She burped  _ and _ filled her diaper. Let out a fart you would’ve been proud of.”

“That's my girl,” Jesse says, kissing Amelia's head. “I'll do this change. Breakfast is waiting on the table for you.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.” Jesse holds out his hands and Liz stands, passing Amelia over. “Get started without me. I’ll only be a moment.”

Liz smiles, she tears up again and she wraps her arm around Jesse's waist, resting her head on his chest. “Thank you,” she whispers. “I don't deserve you.”

“ _ I _ don't deserve you.”

Liz closes her eyes when Jesse kisses the top of her head, opening them when she feels Jesse's hand under her chin and looking up. He kisses her softly, and she will definitely make sure to reconnect with him later. 

“I love you,” Liz murmurs against his lips.

“Love you too. Now go. It's getting cold.”

She nods, patting Jesse’s chest before heading into the dining area. Poached eggs on toast with bacon on the side, as well as a cup of tea, are waiting for her on the table. 

Tears stream down her face as she sits down, and she wipes them away before wrapping her hands around the mug. 

Today is  _ definitely  _ going to be a good day. 

**Author's Note:**

> I chose the name Amelia because if I had girls, one of them would have been Amelia, after Amelia Earheart.
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/BeanChillie) too.


End file.
